Hello my name is Bartosz, I’m 23 years old, I live in Paris, France but my family is originally from Poland. My hobbies include painting, being on the internet, playing the piano, which I’ve done since I was 8 and reading. I have been disabled since birth due to cerebral palsy, which affects my motor skills. You see, when I walk, my right leg veers to the left, which in turn causes my left leg to do the same. But my biggest problem in life is that I can’t find a girlfriend because all girls see me as damaged goods. What’s especially difficult for me is that when I see a beautiful girl, I feel aroused, and I’m very ashamed of this. I also struggle with sexual desires; it feels like a wave that comes over me and I can’t distract myself from it, even when I masturbate (although it’s very embarrassing to admit that). Whenever I see a couple, I feel a mix of emotions: loneliness, envy, sadness, and boredom. Even my childhood crush doesn’t value me; she rejected me, citing my inability to provide for her and satisfy her sexually. I don’t know what, how, or why all of this is happening to me! I thought girls my age were supposed to be “woke”, that they would love me for who I was despite being disabled. But I guess now “woke” means all disabled people are evil. That’s where the term “woke” came from. Someone is out to get the disabled people of France, who were so demon possessed that they voted for Macron not once but twice! Because they “woke” up. They’re the “woke ones” (Obama woke them up). I guess many disabled people felt inspired by Obama. “Yes we can”, I admit it was a powerful slogan that inspired many in the disabled community but it did not help us, not at all. My mum once said to me if the light inside you is darkness, how dark is your darkness? Having a dark light inside you means you’re demon possessed.
A month ago I joined this Telegram group chat for young disabled artists and there was one guy who got nasty to me, because I wrote that I couldn’t sleep from all the messages they were sending (At that time I didn’t know how to use silent mode on my phone – why am I so stupid?). And then one girl I thought was my friend because she had complimented my painting once answered him, “Haha :D.” They were drunk. Drinkers. I want God to severely punish the members of this Telegram group, but I know that this guy received moral satisfaction from the fact that he was rude to me at night. And other members of the group took his side. I hate them!
Sorry, maybe my English is not so good, but it is much better than a lot of people I know here in Paris.
These last two nights I have had indecent dreams with the participation of one of the leaders in the local disabled youths organization, the one from Tanzania. I don’t know why I had these dreams. I have never had any sexual thoughts about men before. I didn’t seem to think about him, but these dreams started to push me to dream of him as a sexual partner. Although I know that he is twice my age and is married and has two daughters. He’s always been very kind to me now that I think about it. Today I decided to write him a poem and send it to him via email. I’m very embarrassed.
It has gone two weeks since I wrote the poem and still no answer. I guess I am never going back to the local disabled youths organization. Besides, I am turning 24 next month and that means I will be too old to participate anyway. Why am I like this? I can’t believe I sent him that poem. I am so embarrassed. Do you want to read the poem? Here it is:
“I have a lot to say, to tell you, you know
My heart goes out to you, I don’t think about it
My disability can wait, so that my heart can be healed
Can’t go on, need to speak my mind
Married early too, what a pity
I love you Tanzanian man, you did that to me
My disability can wait, so that my heart can be healed
Oo! Your love has stuck into my heart
Like a hot spear
Nakupenda sana”
Tell me, what have I done!? Maybe I shouldn’t have included the part with the hot spear. Is it racist? Does that mean I am racist now? Please, I hope he doesn’t report me to the police. What would my mother say if she found out I had been sending racist poems to one of the leaders in the local disabled youths organization? She would be very very upset with me. I am tired, I am tired of being an absolute failure. I don’t know how to improve. But how can I improve myself when the world around me is not?
I masturbated in an online sex chat last night, I am NOT proud.
I hate this world only because there is an unmeasured amount of debauchery, lust, and perversion in it. It kills me! Wherever you look, whatever you do, whatever you say, everything is transformed into a sexy filth. Am I the only one in this world who doesn’t like it? Although I HATE it all, depraved thoughts and many other childish ones often arise in my head. I have to constrain myself daily. My dad said to me the other day, “The absence of constraints produces only tik-tok nonsense, not real art, my son”. How can I make REAL ART if I can’t constrain myself? I would like to erase everything from the memory of this world, not only my own, but also from the memory of all people, but maybe it is better to just destroy everything. Yes, I think I would like it if everything got destroyed. No more lust, nothing more to constrain, no more failures, no more people, and no more cerebral palsy.
Text: Ian Memgard
Image: Juliusz Lewandowski
Purgatory Magazine 